..So I will steam the floors at 8 p.m. on the night before Addie's eye surgery. Seems logical, right? Maybe if you're a control freak like I am, and you've been in situations that are so far out of your comfort zone and control that all you can do is obsess about something completely nonsensical you will understand. Or maybe you'll think I need to get out more. ..
Well, not totally nonsensical. ..Here's how I got there and wound up steaming the floor with a vengeance instead of packing hospital bags, getting Gtube stuff prepped for her last feedings and writing out her pre-op feeding plan for the night (all very useful things that I wound up staying up way too late doing since I chose to give in to my OCD). Addie is having eye surgery. I can't help the surgeon. ..she's had years of school, years of practice and years of specialization. She probably doesn't need my help. Same for the anesthesiologist (I would come closer to helping the surgeon. ..I watch Grey's Anatomy, after all, and have awesome fine motor skills). I can't even carry her back to the OR. I can't fix her eyes, but she's having eye surgery. So, as any good NICU grad, I focus on the germs.
Germs have been my enemy for 2.5 years. I know how to combat them! I can clean and disinfect with the best of them! ..So, out come the Clorox wipes. All kitchen surfaces are cleaned along with doorknobs and light switches, pillow cases and covers are steamed in the washer, along with all of our blankets and Addie's baby doll (had to be sneaky with this one!), I picked out freshly washed shirts (not steamed ..drat!), and cleaned the bathtub for her pre-op bath with Clorox. The carpets were cleaned a few weeks ago, so all that is left by 8 pm are the hardwood floors. She could crawl on the floor, touch her eye, and germs could get in that way! I should clean them - no, steam them! So, away I went while Philip was feeding her. He was kind enough not to comment or ask what on God's green earth I was doing when I had Emails to catch up on and bags to pack and organize. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't frantic or one of those crazed people behind the steamer. I was just.. . Determined. Forceful. Thorough.
Having an Addie is a work in progress. A lot of growth has happened and continues to happen. At least at this point, I have learned the why behind some of the crazy things I do. In this case, I needed to exercise some amount of control. Cleaning wasn't going to hurt anyone, so it was ok to let myself veer in that direction. Our house even smells fresh and clean right now! Not that it normally stinks or is dirty. ..seriously, NICU GRAD here - ten years from now I will still have one of the cleanest houses in a five state area! No one was harmed in the process of my neurotic, Monica Gellar-style cleaning frenzy, and I was able to DO something going into a day when there wasn't a darn thing I could do except try not to be a blubbering mess and pay attention to post-op care instructions.
Facing surgery with your child never, ever gets easier. Sure, we have routines and know a little bit of what to expect going into and coming out of surgery, but that moment where someone walks through double doors with your child and you can't follow only seems to get harder. Now she's more aware. Now it's a stranger we just met 3 minutes ago carrying her away and not our beloved primary nurse. Now we're the ones in charge of her follow up care and making her do the tough stuff (like eye drops in very painful eyes!). It just never gets easier. We pray that each one is the last one.
I can't control if this is the last surgery or not. I can't control how successful this surgery is, but for now, I can control how clean our floor is. So, for now, I will steam the floors, combat germs, and pray like crazy that this is the last one.
No comments:
Post a Comment