Growing in Grace: Another Year

Today was my 33 birthday. First of all, it doesn't feel like I am 33. I know, everyone says that, but I really don't. I still ma'am and sir everyone from the doctor's office to the mall and everywhere in between. I know, it's good manners, always, but I don't just do it for that reason but because I forget that I'm as old as, if not older, than the people I am talking to. I always leave smiling to myself just a little as I realize (again) that I'm the "ma'am" in the situation if we're basing it on age. ..yikes! In my mind, I'm still 23 and freshly out of college and finding my way in the world. Funny how that happens. I wonder if folks living in the nursing homes wake up some mornings shocked to see that they aren't 30 anymore.. .Age is such a funny thing!

Anyway, this post isn't about how old I am or how young I feel. It's about healing. This is the first year that I've enjoyed my birthday since Addie was born. The last two years have been filled with anxiety and flashbacks to the birthday I spent trying not to have her. I was still mourning and coping. This year, my birthday was ok! I still thought of the sweet cake that Dr. Roussis sent up for me, which is really all I remember from that birthday, but it wasn't a sad memory this year. It was sweet and kind, and it was one of the first of hundreds of kind gestures that people would share with us on this journey. I have been given the gift of time and perspective and can now look back and simply be thankful that Addie wasn't born that day, that she got another 10 days to grow. Those scary days at Ft. Sanders were probably the most traumatic part of the early journey - never knowing what the next hour would hold - and they've been the hardest for me to work through. I still have flashbacks and "what if" moments, and I can tell you exactly what I would do differently if I could go back and do it again, and I even still beat myself up on not knowing to do those things differently the first time. .. but today was "just" my birthday and not another big scary landmark day on this journey. Time truly does heal when nothing else can. I won't forget the big dates during that time - ever - but they don't (all) own me anymore. Don't get me wrong, some dates still make my heart and soul ache when they come and go, and this entire month turns me into emotional mush, but this year, I got my birthday back!

So, what did we do for this momentous of birthdays?? What else does the mother of a 3 year old do on her birthday but go to the zoo?! The zoo is my favorite adventure with Addie at this age. We can walk and wander and go at our own pace. We have started getting there right after lunch, when the morning crowd is headed home for nap time, and we grab our own lunch and eat in the shade. Then we see the elephants - still our personal favorite - and then the zebras, giraffes and the tiger. Anything else is bonus. Addie gets to walk a little, I get to walk a lot, and it's a sunny, fairly safe (as in germ free, outside, open) space since she stays in her stroller 90% of the time. We people watch, chat about the animals, and enjoy a last walk through the mist machines by the elephants on our way out. Chill, low key, but it was exactly the day we wanted it to be. Philip was so sweet and brought dinner home for us - Carrabba's - and most importantly, Bruster's! Ice cream will always be my favorite, and Bruster's is the best in my book.

Today was filled with sun, laughter and lots of love. We're all healthy for today, and if I have learned nothing else, we relish the good, healthy days. Savor these moments. Memorize them. This is what matters and why I am so thankful for another year in this crazy world.